Two Old Codgers

How the World strikes us

STAND UP
Didn't comedians always stand up? Apart from a few old music hall comics like Norman Evans,
Norman Evans
who leaned on the garden wall I seem to remember them all standing up to deliver their comedy. Whether it was the Working Man's Club or the Music Hall.

(Just a small digression) Suzette Tarri was a Cockney comedian and singer, popular during WW2. I can
Suzette Tarri
remember hearing her, more than once, singing Red Sails in The Sunset on the wireless in a lunchtime programme called 'Workers Playtime'. The lyrics were Red sails in the sunset, Way out on the sea, Oh, carry my loved one, Home safely to me. As a small boy I thought it was hilarious that she always got the words wrong. Oh, carry my loved one, Safe homely to me. Honest!

I once did 'Stand Up'. Not real 'Stand Up' in the comedy store or anything fancy like that but when I was doing training in Samaritans. I know it sounds a bit odd and it was many years ago. We used to call it 'Preparation' where new recruits were prepared for what they might have to deal with when the telephone calls came through. I had the Friday evening slot where I talked about suicide. It was quite heavy and something of a shock for the new volunteers. I think it was Paul, The Branch Director who suggested I should lighten things before they went home by telling a few funnies. So how about these?

I thanked them for listening and hoped it hadn't been too distressing. I then explained that the next evening session would be on calls of a sexual nature which they may or may not find bit easier to deal with. To lighten things after the last session . . . . . . .

A 10 year old girl asks her Mum, "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replied "Once upon a time, me
Hippies
and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put It in the Earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom"

Then there was the young woman who was walking home when a man stopped his car, got out in front of her and
Flasher
exposed himself. Somewhat shocked she hurried into a neighbours house who promptly called the police. A young, fresh faced Bobby arrived at the door, notebook in hand. Very embarrassed, he said to the young woman "Can you tell me what he looked like. Was he clean shaven?" "Oh! I never looked at his face!".

The red face young policeman then said. "I'm sorry to have to ask you embarrassing questions but did he have an erection.?" She thought for a moment and then "No I think it was a Skoda"

There are defining moments in every life and that's when I could have become the new Arthur Askey, Ken Dodd or Lenny Henry (Well perhaps not him!). Snag is, not everyone in my small audience laughed - just like now. So it was back to the day job.

Joke Book

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